there are days when i felt depressed because of the feeling of emptiness in my heart. i asked myself what triggered it? is it true? what could bring me joy then?
ironically, at those moments, i couldn't think of anything that made me happy, but only emptiness and depression. i trapped myself in my seemingly empty heart, but actually too full that i didn't have any room for simple joy. for example, i could feel empty if i didn't do or "accomplish" anything that day, which made me feel i wasted the whole day and being useless. but no second is wasted, time, and the present are real. actually, when i was thinking i just wasted my whole day, that time was "wasted". i was regretting the past and forgot about the present. i am so used to pushing myself to do things, which is neither healthy nor realistic. the over-pushing and criticizing myself made my heart too full to leave room for the enjoyment of doing nothing. simply enjoy the moment, watching the shadow on the chair, the warmness from the sun passing through the window when sitting in the freaking cold lounge.
so... ...
what triggered it?
regrets about the past.
is it true?
no, because i'm not empty but instead, i'm too full.
what could bring me joy then?
stop whatever i was doing and try something new.
then... ...
i threw out my full and well-scheduled plan for the day including daily goals i need to accomplish. "just do whatever you want and feel like doing. you deserve and need a break". i sat next to the window in my apartment and watched neighbors lying down on the benches around the pool. some of them were reading, some were taking naps. there was a couple with their baby stroller, the husband was eating some chewy snacks, and the wife was sitting up straight paging through a magazine next to the baby. the baby is quiet in the stroller. i didn't see his/her face. maybe he/she fell asleep under the warm sun.
i wish i could be a baby. every time i recollect my childhood, i feel so happy.
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