i was alone, but not lonely.
it is november 28th 12:23am, and i can't sleep. i have not been able to sleep in the past five days since thanksgiving because of toothache and the pain relievers were not working, even though i took the max dosage and started to feel nauseous.
finally, i got my oral surgery done yesterday, but still couldn't sleep because of nausea and fever. so i opened my laptop and started writing to get some distractions. similar to how i spent my thanksgiving. i was by myself, sitting in my room and the lounge area upstairs coding a website.
i was alone but not lonely.
the severe pain was with me. it came in and out hurting my ears and brain, but the fulfilling moment and the joy when i saw the webpage start to come together, was also with me, as i had never done any programming before. i learned everything from scratch using youtube, google and chatgpt.
so, i was alone, but did not feel lonely.
this is my 12th year in the states and loneliness was not a stranger. i'm only getting better to deal with it and trying to fill my days with meaning. ironically, these past five days were the first time after years that i didn't start my day with a to-do list, and trying to check mark what i accomplished on the list at the end of the day. the goal was always to have a meaningful and fulfilling day, which i exhausted myself sometimes but couldn't help to stop.
at this moment, i was alone going through the pain, the fever, the nausea and the weakness. i couldn't tell my parents which would only make them worried about me, but luckily, i had two friends came with me to the surgery and were waiting outside. when i was in the operating room closing my eyes under the harsh light, i was picturing them waiting for me, and i knew i'll see their faces right after my surgery. two years ago, i was alone doing another surgery; six years ago, i was alone in icu. luckily, this time, i wasn't alone. someone was waiting for me.
at this moment, that's all i need. knowing someone was waiting for me.
i was alone, but not lonely.
fun fact: going to the hospital without insurance somehow helped me go through the fear during the surgery.
there are always lights with the kid
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